Lemme Muse for a Minute: Kylie "Got Her Body Back"

Kylie changed to better eating habits and "got her stomach back".

I'm happy for her.

I roll my eyes, not at the package that is the youngest billionaire in history, under second-to-second media scrutiny, but at the "getting her body back" culture.  And not because we're obsessed with "getting" "bodies" either.  It's because

HOLY CRAP LOSING WEIGHT AFTER MAKING YOUR FIRST BABY IS THE EASIEST THING IN THE UNIVERSE.*  And after people have their first baby and "get...(yawn) their bodies back", they like- discuss how they "did it".

                                       She freaking stopping eating grilled cheese sandwiches.

A few items of consent:

1. Kylie didn't choose to be famous.
2. Kylie didn't set out to make more money than she (or I, or most of us) can really even conceive of, and having unlimited access to all of the things and procedures that money can buy.  I do not fault her for the things of which most of the people who are discussing her are jealous.

3. Getting pregnant for the first time when you are in or have ever been "in shape" is terrifying because you DON'T KNOW what is going to happen to your body, or why some people changed, and never changed back.  It is akin to walking into a black hole so you can come out with a baby.  HUGE leap of faith.
4. EVERYONE (with a soul) feels worried in the few months after their first baby is born that the body that they're stuck in, will remain deflated and saggy and fluffernuttery forever.

5. She didn't call a press conference to talk about her body.  It is her job to be a package which includes looking like [who the hell can guess next], and I don't fault her for any part of it.

No, this is about how much more easily the weight (or whatever) comes off after the first one, compared to the others.  The second is harder, but not as hard as the third.  The fourth is easier than the third but harder than the first 2.  I have a group of high school friends who all agree, so this is scientific.

Kylie is just talking about what happened to her.  She is not giving advice about how to "do it", even if she thinks she is.  All she knows is what she's done and anyone taking advice about how to (snorrrrrrrrrre) lose weight after having babies from Kylie or any first-time mother, purely based on her experience, would do just as well to ask a polar bear.  More on THEM later.

First-time mothers: as much as I love you- and I do-

                         YOU DON'T KNOW @$%# ABOUT LOSING BABY WEIGHT.

Rachel (my sister, and a first-time mother): You are a fitness and health professional, so your expertise skews your perspective.  Also, your experience has been unique in many ways.  YOU know what you're talking about.

Anyone who hasn't had a baby, or has had more than 1 baby: get your information ANYWHERE ELSE. These people's bodies are confused.  Something weird happened to them that they (the bodies) can't really figure out, and are going to deflate at the slightest positive change. It will be glorious.  They will think about it for DAYS, and then the bodies will be back to the way they were before, and that minuscule effort will seem to the mother, like weight-loss success.

Newp.

It's like when you have a horrible dream about someone you know.  You wake up shaken, and upset, but shake it off.  Then it happens again, and you're scandalized and confused, but shake it off, a little more slowly this time.  The third time you have this horrifying dream about someone you know, you decide IT MEANS SOMETHING and you hold onto it, and you're upset about it for a completely inordinate amount of time.  You talk to the person and tell them about it, and you warn them about wearing yellow and riding trains, and they take the time that is necessary to bring you around gently to the fact that it was a DREAM, and the next time it happens, well, you dislike it but you move on with your life and mention it to your doctor at your next checkup.


Your body makes a baby and then like- wakes up and is like, "I don't usually do that so I'm just going to go back to doing what I did before."

Subsequent babies convince the body that it knows what it's doing and it settles in.  You get the idea.

I've only had (go ahead and guess) (oh that's right you're only reading this because you know me intimately), so I won't speak to what it's like to have more.  But I'll talk about what it's like to have as many as I have.  Passionately.  Inflamitorialy, even.

And, am I allowed to bring up that Kylie is 21 years old? as evidence that she has NO IDEA what body difficulty is?  Is that alright in our cultural climate?  No _________ idea. lol

But, again, I only know what Kylie is talking about because she became famous, the way some people become dentists.  They go to dental school because they can take over their Dad's successful practice when he retires. I begrudge her nothing.  I begrudge expert-status being erroneously granted to those who can't adequately fill the role.  First-time-mothers-with-weight-loss-success being the worst offenders.

Polar Bears: give birth IN THEIR SLEEP to 3 POUND BABIES.  Freakin' jerks.
I mean, I don't' have to live outside, but... still.

*I haven't explored this in depth, but it is possible that it could be an exaggeration.

Mmm-k I'm done, now.

Many happy returns, Kylie Jenner.  What a messed-up way to grow up.  I'm glad most of it is working out well for you.  I dug your Forbes cover.