School, and the Golden Rule

I went back to school on September 1st.  I go to Western Governors University.  Its an awesome university and I'm lucky to have the support of my family to be getting through at my own pace- which is pretty damn fast, if I do say so myself. 

Despite getting though it quickly, school is painful for me.  At WGU I get to go through the material at a pace that works for me, and when I need to hear a voice explain it, and see a guy behind a desk explain utils with little disks with chocolate bars on them to help me understand the basics of economics, I have that.  I work during Georgia's naps, and haven't blogged at all except for after the accident because I have to focus on finishing as quickly as possible.  But today... oh today... Today I passed (NAILED!) my last math test of my life.  LAST.  THE. LAST.  MATH TEST OF MY LIFE.  EVER.  "Well what if you decide to get a Masters Degree?"  Back off.  I will never (ever) get a masters degree, I promise.  I promised Hyrum that I will never do that to him, to myself, or our children.  I am mean and nasty and sensitive and miserable when I'm working on something that takes me longer than I would like to understand.  So, no.  That was the last math test I'll ever take.  And I feel like I'm going to cry :)

The semesters are 6 months long from the time you start, and you can start any month you're ready.  So my semester will be over on February 28th, Georgia's first birthday.  I don't think I'll have finished by then, but I'll be close.  I only have a few classes left.  I lost all of my upper division Spanish credit when I chose to get the Business Marketing Management degree, so I had a lot of ground to make up.  I hope to finish in 9 months total, and I'll walk in graduation in July. 

Graduation has never meant much to me.  I hate lines, I hate traffic, and I really hate sitting still and listening to speeches.  But when Hyrum walked in his Bachelors graduation (for our parents) and the graduation march began to play, I teared up with such pride I could barely contain myself.  Then when he walked in his Masters graduation I made him 3 huge yellow carnation leis so we could see him in the crowd, and to make a big deal out of him and embarrass him :)  Fortuitously, one of the leis was made of Werther's Original toffees, and they were his sustenance during a VERY long ceremony.  Yyyyyou'rrre welcome!  One side of Hyrum's family comes from Samoa, by the way, so that was part of the inspiration.

The flat hat, and hearing the graduation march for myself is what has kept me going when I felt like I'd rather chew glass than keep plugging away on an 11 page annotated bibliography.  Yes, you think you know what I'm talking about, because everyone has written a bibliography, but I'm guessing you don't.  See?  School makes me awful.  I just sat here thinking all kinds of mean and nasty things to type about the things that people have said to me since I started working through school, but none of it is anything anybody wants to read.  Buuuuut... One person said, "Well, I've written so many of those.  You get used to it."  Upon further discussion, it became clear that she had not ever written an annotated bibliography, and I wanted to kick her in the stomach for minimizing something that was so hard.  11 pages?  Whatever.  No one cares about having to write 11 pages of anything.  But having to find sources was the first 20 minutes of the 2 weeks of hours of daily research, JUST FOR THE FREAKING BIBLIOGRAPHY, OK?  If I had to do it again, it wouldn't be nearly as bad, but imagine you're getting all warmed up to go out and jog a 5k, and you find out as you're looking around confused at about mile 6 that you have to keep going, and you think you'll be going for about 3 more miles, and it goes on like that til you're dragging your bloody feet across a finish line after a marathon.  So maybe you've written them, and maybe you've run marathons, and I don't care.  School makes me angry and mean and spiteful, and its going to be great for my self worth to have finished.

Sigh.  Sorry.  I tend to write to the people who I have allowed to make me angry, or hurt my feelings.  You like me or you wouldn't be here.  So, thank you for your support.

School has been hard.  I'm plugging along, finally, but it has been rough.

I guess I feel very defensive (um, really?) about getting a bachelors degree online when I'm (almost) 30.  Formal education is of utmost importance where I come from, and without it, feeling a bit unimportant is expected.  Some of the people who are the most proud of themselves about their formal education where I come from, have been frustratingly... well, mean, about what they believe to be my comprehensive lack of intelligence, and I honestly think they don't think I notice.  They act like I won't get it when they laugh in my face, or compare me to the children in their life.  They acted like I deserved to be insulted in public when I made a minor mistake in their all-important presence. 

I learned something from that person (ahem) people of that kind, when I was so completely minimized for an utterly meaningless misstep.  I have learned that being unkind is not helpful.  Was that inspired, or what?  I have been a grammar Nazi, such as I have been able, for my entire life.  Its my family's way of life.  Hyrum's family cringes when they say something incorrectly about which I have corrected them, because they think they are about to be sternly scolded.  I haven't scolded anyone in quite a while, but the scars remain.  Even in the last week, I heard a member of his family wince and correct themselves when I wasn't even in the room, because I successfully made them feel so stupid about pronouncing a word incorrectly that they were afraid I was going to come after them, thumping a pronunciation guide.

Don't get me wrong- my family is awesome.  And I'm sure most of them don't use grammar to build themselves up in their minds against other people they deem to be simpletons, like I used to.  My family is highly educated- formally and otherwise, and they are interesting and hilarious and deep.  But just like I have a sister with olive skin who can't help but tan, I am not as much like a lot of my family as I would like to be.

I am getting a formal degree.  I am so excited and I feel so great about myself.  I wrote an AWESOME paper last week that made me feel like I really deserve it.  But I deserve a peice of paper, not a pass to diminish anyone who doesn't do things the way I do them.  I want to be more like my husband, who can listen to the concepts that a person can discuss to evaluate their ability (he sometimes has to interview people for work).  In a perfect world I wouldn't evaluate anyone's ability- what do I know?  But the fact is, we evaluate people, and grammar is a faulty measuring stick.  Measuring people by our own strengths is inherently flawed, and frankly, a sign of a basic lack of understanding.  My formal degree doesn't change much about me.  I know a few more things, and I'll look a little better on paper.  I'm going to feel better about myself about having finished something that was hard for me. 

...I feel defensive about my school because it wont look as good on paper as the University of Utah- even if it should look better on paper than it does.  I feel defensive because I want to explain how the curriculum is the same, how we use the same text books and take the same tests.  But it doesn't really matter, because anyone who minimizes me in their mind for any of those things doesn't really get it.  And what people think about me isn't any of my business, anyway.

I'm not done with school, yet, but I'm going to finish.  And I never have to take another math test again.  So, today?  Well, today is a very, very good day.