Postpartum Depression

Hi.  I am Lauren, and I have postpartum depression.

Wait!  Before you make that face (you know the one with the big dinner-plate puppy eyes and worried sad-mouth)  I'm doing very well.

[Drumming my fingers on the key board] c;osdldnlwfgnuiehovnaeoivo...  Where do I begin?

How about this:  I know that I have postpartum depression, because one night when Russell was crying and wouldn't stop, and it was hours until morning and it had been hours since I'd slept and weeks since I'd slept more than 3 hours at a time, I lifted him to shake him.

That's how I know.

It had also been at least a week since I'd slept in my bed at all because Russ wouldn't sleep unless I was holding him so I was sleeping in our Lazyboy.  My neck was all messed up from waking up on my own shoulder, so when I lifted to shake him and simultaneously flipped my hair out of my eyes,  something happened in my neck that felt like I had been electrocuted and paralyzed.  Thank goodness for that.

That moment caused me to evaluate my recent feelings and behavior, and I realized that I wasn't myself.  Over the next few weeks I noticed that every time Russell made a sound, I wanted to hurt him.  When something I didn't plan happened, I felt a tremor of rage from my soul out to my fingertips that left me wanting to destroy anything I could reach; I felt like I was going to lose control-- a horrible, violent, all-consuming crisis.

I was not well.  I knew that, but I was also helpless.  I was doing absolutely everything I could do and I knew I needed to talk to a doctor, but I couldn't pick up the phone and make an appointment.  I would say, "I need to do that today", and then make breakfast, and feed Russ, and make lunch, and feed Russ, and Play with Geo- feed Russ- Read to Georgia, feed Russ, make dinner...
Finally, wonderful Hyrum made an appointment for me to see Dr. Potter whose office is 3 minutes form here.

So I started taking Zoloft (sertraline), which is most prescribed for PPD for moms who are breastfeeding, and things started to get better.

The huge blessing in my life is that I'm surrounded by debilitating mental-illness.  You can laugh.  Its funny.  Hyrum's family has dealt with such varied and dramatic issues surrounding the clinical depression that some of the family has, that recognizing mental illness is accepted and encouraged, and there is nothing that can't be said.  Indeed, it feels sometimes as if there is nothing that hasn't been said. ;)

I've struggled with the challenge of mental illness in the people that I love.  Why?  Why this?  Even people dying of horrible diseases can choose to be cheerful.  Well now, even as some things get worse, we, as a family, are starting to see some of the "why".

So SO many people suffer from mental illness.  Working at the salon, I talked to at least one person a week who was dealing with depression in their life on one way or another.  My clients, my friends clients, their husbands, friends, kids, boyfriends, babysitters...  The other stylists in the salon would call me over to chat with their clients for a minute and tell them the book I always recommend for those trying to understand depression. (The Noonday Demon, by Andrew Solomon- it puts you in their shoes.  A very important read.)

I've given advice to many many people, over and over again.  But when it came to giving the very same advice to myself, I couldn't take it.  I couldn't even come up with the concepts.  I felt like I was failing my children.  I was ashamed of being ill when my babies needed me.  I was afraid of people knowing. 

But thanks to a network of people who encourage talking frankly about their feelings, I was able to make a step that so many mothers can't ever make.  I had the support that I needed.

But 6 in 10 mothers suffer from postpartum depression.  AND THAT'S ONLY THE REPORTED CASES.  That means that the unique thing is to not have it, but even given the support that I have, I didn't know where to look for help outside my family.

So, now I work with The Healing Group to help mothers to know the signs, and feel comfortable reaching out when they need help.

Here are some links to some of the resources that I used.

Thank you for reading, for your support, and for all that you have done for me.  Its more than you know, I assure you.

The Healing Group: for my locals http://www.thehealinggroup.com/
To find help in your area and get more information: postpartum.net
Katherine Stone's wildly popular and helpful blog: http://fierceandpowerful.com/wordpress/meet-katherine-stone/


By the way, Russell sleeps through the night as of this week, and things are good.  Yesterday was awful, but the exception proves the rule, and today is so beautiful.  But Russell is awake and hungry, so I'll be back to talk about more, soon.