Russell Shackleton Kirton-- My Son

Here we go.  :)

Its surreal to write about the birth of my second child.  I don't feel like someone who has children. But I've never felt happier in all my life as when I think about my little family, and hold my babies, and smile for pictures with my amazing husband and our kids.  

I spent a significant portion of my third trimester hobbling around like an old woman due to sciatic nerve pain down my right leg, back pain, and pain in my pelvis so sharp... I can't even describe... and near constant braxton-hix contractions.  I was really really tired and wasn't drinking enough water, which contributed to my discomfort.  Feeling awful all of the time led me to hope-- and then believe-- that I was going to have Russell early.  Well about the second week of August, I started feeling great.  I had all kinds of energy, my back pain was gone, I could breathe easily for the first time in what felt like forEVER, and I could roll over in bed (200 times per night) without crying.  This was disheartening.

Georgia was born 5 days before her due date, on a Tuesday.  I decided Russell would be earlier than she had been, and also on a Tuesday.  It sounds silly to me now, too.  Anyway Tuesday came and went, Thursday whooshed by, and I had no excuse to skip church on Sunday (I just wanted to be at home holding my newborn, and not talking about when I thought the baby was coming).  Sunday night we watched a documentary on sharks, which was really uninformative, and then a documentary called Into the Void, which you can watch on Amazon Instant Videos, that was so AMAZING that I stayed up until it was over.  That ended up being about half past midnight.  I like to have my face smashed into my pillow by 10:30, but this story was INSANE.  I thought, "I bet this baby is coming tonight.  I'm going to be really tired if I go into labor tonight...  I bet I will."

And I did.

I woke up to contractions at about 2:30am probably, but went back to sleep.  Its hot and its expensive to cool the top floor of our house so we sleep in the basement a lot.  This particular night I had sacked out on my friend Julia's mattress, which she is storing in our basement while she lives out of state.  I lay there hoping my contractions would stop, but decided I had to get up or risk my water breaking on Julia's mattress.  "Hey Jules.  Yeah we're doing so great!  Hey... so... funny story..."

So I got up.  Its was 2:45 am, but I felt like I'd gotten a good rest.  The contractions were still no big deal, so I did some dishes, made some orange juice for after delivery, drew a bath with some candles and lavender oil and tried to just relax.  I texted my midwives and sent them the data I was collecting on my contractions, which were regular, but only 30 seconds long.  We weren't too anxious about anything since I was still feeling silly about taking a lavender bath because I really felt fine.  But since Georgia came fast, and I didn't want to spend most of my labor alone like I did last time because I didn't feel like it was the real deal, Heidi came over, and she and Hyrum set up the tub in our room (where Hyrum had turned on the air conditioning).

That was 4 am.  By that time I was getting vocal about the discomfort of the contractions, so as soon as the tub was ready, I got in.  I don't know if its the heat, or because gravity is lessened or what, but laboring in a tub is SO MUCH EASIER OHMYFREAKINGOSH.  Man.

The contractions really weren't ever regular.  I was leaning against the edge of the tub for almost all of the contractions, with my chin on the side, holding Hyrum's hand, and Melissa's when she arrived.  I looked up at one point ant Laura, midwife 3, was there, too!  Yay :)  I felt so supported-- it was wonderful.

Part of my brain was tracking the "emotional signposts" that I learned about in my Bradley Birth classes (excited=early labor, serious/getting down to business=active labor, I don't want to do this anymore=transition) and knew that if they were accurate, I was nearing transition.  I went through the same thought process during labor with Georgia, but decided I couldn't be nearing transition, then, because the midwives hadn't yet arrived.  But the contractions never got regular with Russ, and I didn't feel like he was anywhere near ready to actually emerge.  The midwives asked if I wanted them to check my progress and I said no, because I couldn't handle them telling me I was only dilated to a 2 if that was the case.

There was a moment when the only words I could think were, "I don't want to do this anymore."  So, with my eyes shut, and hoping that someone would say, "That means you're nearing transition", I said it.  Heidi said, "That means you're almost done."  I couldn't quite believe her, but I hoped it was true.

At that point the contractions got hard, and long, and spaced out.  I know this is the rest the body gives itself before pushing but I just did not feel like anybody could be exiting any time soon because it didn't feel like anybody was near any exits.  And then?  Well Russell found his way to the exit.  (Emotional signposts, 2, Lauren, 0.)  It felt like somebody punched me from the inside.  He moved down, but right back up, like I'd been punched(!).  The next contraction was note-ab-ly uncomfortable, and he moved down and stayed down this time.  I tried to keep from pushing too hard because I'm afraid of doing it in one push at the expense of the integrity of my tissue (my #1 biggest fear about childbirth), but the next push I could not stifle.  Hyrum had been sitting on an ottoman facing me and holding my hand, and I demanded that he get off the ottoman and onto the floor so I could see him.  A little bit of panic, and a little hyperventilating got me through pushing.  And then after the second push, I got to reach down and be the first person to grasp and hold my son.

6 lbs 3 oz, 18 inches long.  A pound and a half smaller than Georgia.

He was squishy and slimy and purple like they always are, and he cried the way all new babies do.  As I pulled him up out of the water I immediately noticed that his nose is bigger than Georgia's, and thought before I got him all the way to my chest, that that's ok by me.

It was 6:45 am.

I still can't believe how fast it went, and denial works wonders in the "getting things to pass quickly" department.  Four hours from recognition of contractions to holding my boy.  It was nowhere near the ordeal that labor with Georgia was, due, I believe, to the tub and the presence of my wonderful midwives who kept reminding me to let my body do all the work.

I feels like it was over before it ever began.  It took me a bit to be able to process the experience with Georgia's birth enough to type it up for all to see.  I could have written about this at 8am last Monday.  It wasn't, like- fun- but it was immeasurably and inexpressibly easier than my first birth experience.  The part of me that was the most sore was my chin, from resting the weight of my upper body on it while in the tub.  Seriously.

I don't know what to say.  I had so much emotion about Georgia's birth and was able to really write about my feelings to get it out, and this time wasn't the trauma and triumph that that was.  So I feel like I'm sortof... describing car repairs or something.

What I do feel strongly about, however, is my Russell.  I never got excited about having a boy.  I eluded to this a little in my letter to him a few months ago.  To me, having a boy was like buying a car that you need, where having a girl is like getting a Mercedes.  Having a boy was like, "Oh how sweet, you're having a baby!", where having a girl was, "Oh!  You're having a girl?!  That's so wonderful!"  Girls are magical.  I screamed so suddenly with elation when I learned that Georgia was a girl that I popped a blood vessel in my eye.  To all you moms of boys out there: Please don't be offended.  Remember: YOU are a girl.

However

Russell is magical.  My little boy is a miracle.  Being a mother to a little boy is like nothing I expected.  His first two nights were pretty rough.  By Tuesday night, his eye goop had turned into a full blown infection in both eyes.  I had nothing to feed him still, and it seemed like he was in pain.  He cried all night long and I just kept trying to clean up his eyes and hold him and comfort him.  I know that babies have a few nocturnal nights in the beginning, and that babies cry so I was able to stay calm.  But we fell asleep for a little stretch that night, and when I woke up again, it was to a tiny- tiny- little baby whose eyes were crusted shut with awful yellow puss.  He was trying so hard to see that I finally lost it and I cried, too.  He was turning his head toward the light and it seemed like he was in so much pain.  I wept as I wiped off his eyes as gently as I could and held him to my face and just said, "Its ok, my son.  Its ok.  I've got you.  I'm so sorry."  It was so awful.

I was so worried that this could be something more than a basic eye infection that should clear up with a couple of squirts of breast milk.  I could see what my son being blind would look like.  What if I missed something and this ended up permanent?  I knew the likelihood was small, but seeing him that way was was devastating.  I flushed his eyes with liquid silver and prayed that Heavenly Father would help to heal my baby quickly.  He's almost better now, and he's been sleeping very well, which I hope is helping him to heal even more thoroughly, but just thinking about that, and writing about it has made my cry hard enough that I had to stop a few times to collect myself.

The moment that changed my feelings about boys, though, was the moment that the phrase "my son" came to mind.  I don't know why that sounds so beautiful to me, but when comforting Russell, he was not just my baby, but my son.  And for whatever reason, that is magical to me, and I feel more blessed than I can explain to be a mother to a daughter and a son.

FAQ

How is Georgia doing with the new baby?

She's awesome.  She slept in the morning that he was born, and came upstairs at about 9:00.  She heard him crying and I heard her say, "Baby!"  She had been patting my belly and saying "baby... baby..." for several months, and then one day she put her sippy cup up to my belly button and said "baby, wawa".  I mention that because she has had no interest in my belly since Russell arrived.  She gets that he is the baby, somehow.  She came up and saw him and gently petted his head and said, "Baby, awwww...".  So dang cute.  It took about 4 days for her to get frustrated and start trying to smack him when she feels like she's being usurped.  We're working on it.

Ownership of the bouncy chair has become a sore subject.

Is Hyrum excited to have a boy?

Hyrum doesn't get excited unless we're going into the jungle, or going to a disco class on a cruise.  He is a totally amazing dad, though.  About Friday or Saturday last week, I changed Georgia's diaper and realized it was the first one I had changed since Russ was born.  Hyrum stayed home from work until Georgia's morning nap all week last week, and then my mom would come over when she woke up, and stay until Hyrum got home.  I got to be a mom to just one baby all week last week, and they planned that.  I never had to ask for a thing.  Hyrum and Georgia have this adorable bond now, and it makes him so darned attractive I can't believe it.  Hyrum likes kids more the older they get.  He's excited that Georgia has a brother. (Obviously he loves the kid, but his attention is on Georgia right now.)

How are you feeling?

Boringly fine.  I can't wait to get the go-ahead to work out just because I'm so stinking bored.  Recovery took like an hour this time.

Shackleton?

Earnest Shackleton was an Antarctic explorer, and a hero of Hyrum's.  Simply put:  Earnest was at his best when his life was in extremity.  When captain of a stranded ship, and he and his crew were facing certain death, Shackleton completed feats of strength and endurance believed to be humanly impossible, and saved every man on board.  He had a hard time finding the "point" of every day living and spent much of his life in search of greater things.  Hyrum gets that.

We also considered: Russell Spencer Kirton, and Russell Shane McConkey Kirton.