Endorphines

I'm not a great wife. I'm not a great cook, or athlete, or student or teacher. But when you look at it, greatness is relative. I know people- an impressive handful of them- who can jog without stopping to walk because they don't get a choking pain in their chest. And I know people who are givers. Readers. Listeners. Rock climbers, even. Me? Well on a good day, I might not talk your face clean off. (Maybe this is why I've felt compelled to blog.)
Like a lot of the time lately, I'm not totally sure where to begin. I'll start by explaining that, I guess. I was talking to my BFF Jules last night and found myself stuttering, as I have over the last few days, I think because I have so many thoughts going through my head at once that I'm thinking still while I'm talking and I trip on the thoughts while I'm trying to say something else. And, as evidenced by the length and wordyness of my most recent post, I think so many things about every thing, that its hard to get it all out without annoying myself on behalf of whomever is listening or reading.
Which brings me to my next thought. I work in a salon. An awesome salon, actually, and that makes me prone to small-talk promiscuity. Most people are varying levels of pleasant. Some people are so sad, and in the case of a lady who comes in regularly for man haircuts, some are socially inept, and rude. But 2 have stood out recently. Talkers. They walk in and talk about themselves and other people and say things that give an air of having no basis in fact. "That's what we do in blogs a lot of the time", I'm telling myself, because I bring it up to illustrate my worry that I'm one of them. I worry that I am one of these, who bother me only a little, but I don't want to be around them, I think because they seem to talk only to educate those around them on their all important thoughts. I feel like the Monster at the End of This Book. I said "I think" in the sentence wherein I expressed a worry about being the people who compulsively share their thoughts. Terrifying.
Back to relative greatness. We can only do our best. And though I know that sometimes I am an OverTalker, I'm really trying to look out instead of just in. There's a lot that I'm trying to do. I'm trying to be a good wife. A kind, fun, and caring companion. There's a book sitting on my table at the moment called Getting the Love You Want that was recommended by a friend, and despite what the title sounds like, is for couples. Katie Hannah Foster is so good at this. She reads and reads and reads, and she listens to Dr. Laura, and she understands it and she gives the BEST advice. I'll do a review on the book after my attempt to be more like her.
I'm also trying to be a good athlete. I'm not one. Not even good. I probably couldn't even be considered an athlete at all; but I am really trying. I love to run, but I haven't conditioned my heart to do it. If I go faster than my body likes (i.e. shuffle jogging), my pulmonary artery starts to feel like its made out of hot, melting, constricting, rubber. But I printed off a training program for novices who want to run a 5k, a short little 3.1 mile jaunt, and its going well so far. I completed day 2. Let's have a parade. But seriously folks... I feel good. When I lived in New York and was walking everywhere (quickly, because as you know, I'm always late), I was conditioned enough to run, and once got on a treadmill, and just ran and ran and ran. I've heard this called "Runner's High". I want to do that again. It felt wonderful. I have dreams about running- waking and sleeping- and there's no reason not to do it. My mom started running when she was 50. How cool is that? I wont say that if she can do it I can do it, because there's a lot Pat can do that I can't. But its inspiring, if nothing else.
I love getting better. And even though my training program demanded a mile and a half run today, I did not walk a step of it, and for me, that's a big deal. I feel good enough in my brain today to talk about improvement, instead of write into The Doctors and ask what the devil is wrong with me because I've been snapping at everyone for the last month. I derailed again. Sorry. Another thing I've wanted to write about on the subject of improving is rock climbing. My upper body strength keeps me on the bottom of the barrel at our climbing gym, where I'm only better than the girls who are there on a date. But on the climbs where its a little easier than hard, I've found myself reaching and grabbing, instead of flailing and praying. I actually caught myself pulling myself closer to a hold with my toes to relieve pressure on my center of gravity so that I could reach a hold that would otherwise be perfectly out of my reach. ...See, 'cause if you're standing on a hold at hip height, its pushing you away from a hold on that same side of your body, but if you use the downward pressure to stay on the hold and pull across with your leg, your force moves sideways instead of back and down! See?! SO GREAT! AND THEN YOU CAN STAND ON IT AND REACH THE NEXT MOVE! See how exciting?! Its wonderful! And I've only been doing this for a year and a half. Ha :)
My closing statement is simply that I feel good, and that's good. I'm happy with who I am, and forgive myself for it, too. I know that when I'm going good things, I don't OverTalk as much because I'm aware of, and care for the people around me. I'm grateful for improvement, and supportive people, and I hope I can be proud of myself this year, instead of just proud.